Totally Hawt Potter Love - Part three
Disclaimer and Author’s note: Any name you recognize belongs to J.K Rowling. Just in case you missed the last two author’s notes, this is a god damned parody. If somebody reviews and tells me that I’m a terrible, clichéd author, I’ll scream with the injustice of it all.
In the last chapter… They then fell into each others arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students. Lily pulled away and slapped him hard.
“What was that for?!” James shouted.
“I don’t know!’ Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling her eyes as she did so.
Chapter three – Teh H0ttness!
Lily kept running and running until she reached Gryffindor tower. She burst straight through the Fat Lady’s portrait without even bothering to give her the password and raced up to her dormitory, where she collapsed on her bed, weeping. She cried for what seemed like an age before she heard the door open. She looked up, thankful that her eyes never went puffy and her makeup never ran or got messy whenever she cried.
“Who are you?” said the girl who entered the dorm. It was Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness and her friend Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins, two of Lily’s Gryffindor classmates. Like with every other student, Lily had never spoken to either of them, but Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness and Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins had teased her many, many times.
“It’s Lily Evans!” Lily cried out, choking on her saliva as she spoke. “This is what I really look like, I’ve been hiding my true looks for all these years, and now my heart has been torn out of my perfect, C-cup chest because I showed James Potter the true me!”
“Shit Lily, you’re totally hot!” said Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness (or STUPIDBITCH, for short). “Do you like, wanna be bestest best friends forever?”
“Like, totally what she said,” agreed Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins (or GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, for short).
“Yes!” cried Lily, rushing over to embrace her new best friends. And with that, all of her past pain melted away and it never bothered her again. She no longer cared about her parents or sister and no longer wanted to hurt herself or find a way to bring her family together. She decided to continue being her stunning self and was filled with newfound confidence and complete contentment.
“Oh, ok, so cool.” What d’ya wanna do, Lils? Go back down to the ball?” said STUPIDBITCH
“Yeah! That would be totally awesome!”
Lily and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT and STUPIDBITCH linked arms and skipped down to the Great Hall, and there were no three closer friends anywhere.
Meanwhile, In the Great Hall…
“Hey, guys!” James jogged over to a table where Sirius and Remus were sitting. Remus was reading a Potions book and Sirius was hopping in his seat and winking at twenty-six girls simultaneously. “Remember that ugly girl we bet on earlier?”
“Yes I do!” shouted Sirius in an unnaturally loud voice.
“Portentous,” said Remus.
“Well, we shagged.”
“No way!” Sirius cried, jumping out of his seat. “Poo, bums, clover, they’re all such funny words! You didn’t have sex with her, no way!”
“I did, but it was in the Prefects bathroom and she wasn’t ugly any more. Turns out she’s really hot, dude.”
“Man, that is some trip,” said Sirius. “Pity I don’t believe you.”
“Double damn!” James shouted, slamming his fist on the table. “For some reason, I know her life story and the reasons behind her disgusting disguise. There’s no way on earth that she’d take it off now and prove me right, not unless she suddenly happened to befriend two girls who had previously bullied her, but I mean, what are the odds of that?”
At that very moment, Lily and her new best friends entered the Great Hall, arm in arm. Lily was looking amazing, with her hair curled to perfection. She was wearing a two and a half inch long skirt, knee high leather boots, a sparkly pink bikini top and gothic looking arm warmers. It was total h0ttness, straight from the land of h0tt.
“Holy mother of all things that I wank over, she just proved me right! Lily! Over here!” James waved his arms around and caught Lily’s attention. She and her new friends sashayed over, the eyes of every single person in the Great Hall on Lily and Lily alone. It took her a while to pick all the eyes off and flick them away once she reached James, but she managed to do it quite sexily.
“Lily, baby, you gotta take me back,” said James.
“Hell no!” cried Lily, waving her index finger in his face. “I won’t let no damn honky get all in my face an’ tell me he aint a player, mmm hmm.”
“Word!” said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, shaking her h0tt h0tt booty.
“Damn, STUPIDBITCH,” said Sirius. “You fine! We should get together when these two do.”
“As is appropriate in shit stories like this,” agreed STUPIDBITCH, smiling seductively.
“Why you gotta be like that, baby? You know that shit don’t go down like that!” James replied to Lily, nodding his head crazily.
“Whatever, bitch. I’ll catch y’all later.” Lily walked off, swinging her arse provocatively.
“No, Lily! Come back, I love you!” James shouted, but to no avail.
“C’est un détraqué mental!” Sirius called after her.
“Sirius, I didn’t know you spoke French!” said James, very impressed. Sirius grinned.
“Oui, I do in most bad fics. Now, Moony,” he turned to Remus and wriggled his eyebrows. “Est-ce que c’est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir?”
Remus blushed, but still remained reading his book. “Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá!”
“Not you too!”
Remus shrugged. “Well, I am the smart one.” He giggled and blushed as Sirius grabbed his hand, leaving the other free to hold his book up to his face. “Sorry, James, we have to leave.”
“You can’t leave! I’ll be alone, and that’s not cool!”
“Hang around with Peter,” Sirius offered helpfully. “I know that at the start of this fic it was made perfectly clear that he’d vanished, but he’s reappeared handily right over there!”
“I don’t want anything to do with that boring freak,” James protested. “And I never will.”
“Hey James,” said Peter, walking by him. And at that very moment, James suddenly knew in his heart that Peter was a true friend who he could trust with his life and the lives of his future wife and children for now and ever more, but he still didn’t fancy spending any time with him. I mean, Peter is a total loser! James glared at Sirius and Remus as they walked off.
“Va bouffer ta merde!” he cried. “Wow, I can speak it too! Merci! S’il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux?!”
Meanwhile, outside the Great Hall…
Remus immediately grabbed Sirius and pulled him into the conveniently located Astronomy Tower, where they started to have sex.
Sirius (who was, in this instance, the receiver) got quite into it, but the rustling of pages from behind his back after a few minutes made him feel self-conscious.
“Moony, are you still reading?” he asked.
“Here, have some chocolate!” said Remus, quickly thrusting a bar of chocolate under Sirius’s nose.”
“Ooh! Chocolate!” said Sirius. He grabbed greedily at it, and Remus continued his sex and reading uninterrupted.
When they were finished, and Sirius had taken off the bondage gear, they started talking about Lily and James.
“You know, we should really, hehehehehehehehe, lock those two in a room together. They are meant to be as one, and we should help them. Can you diggit?”
“Quadriplegic testimony,” said Remus.
“Does that mean yes?”
Meanwhile, on the third floor corridor…
James paced down the third floor corridor, cursing under his breath. He missed Lily, and her amazingly flexible body with curves in all the right places. He wondered if there was anything he could do to get her back, like maybe writing her some poetry, singing the words of a Maroon 5 or Jesse McCartney song to her on the balcony that appeared outside her dorm room window whenever it was convenient for James, or giving her a single lily as a gift. They were all original and sweet ideas, but none of them quite fit. He wasn’t even sure if Maroon 5 or Jesse McCartney existed in this decade.
James whipped around and saw to his delight that Lily was behind him, garbed in a gorgeous white gown that was lyk, totally virginal. She looked like an angel. Who he wanted to fuck. Hard. In the face!
“Go away!” she shouted, red in the face from
wanton lust anger. She made to push past him, but at that precise moment Sirius and Remus jumped out of nowhere and shoved them both through a door that just handily appeared (much like the balcony). It was the Room of Requirement, and Siri and Remy had managed to find a way to open it without walking past it three times (Here’s a hint, it involved Dumbledore, because he always seems to know that Lily and James are meant to be!). Sadly, as they both fell through the door, an unexplainable piece of magic happened to happen and for no reason at all they suddenly happened to end up in each others bodies.
The door clicked shut behind them, and James realized that a) they were locked in and b) he was in Lily’s body, so now he was the one with a figure like Jessica Alba’s, but better.
“We’re not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!” came Sirius’s muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like ‘stalactite’ in agreement, and then they left without making a sound at all. How James knew they left was unimportant, but he knew they had nonetheless.
And yet another cliffy! Will James and Lily ever get out? How will they cope in each others bodies? What exactly was Remus reading when he was shagging Sirius? Will STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT get it on like the lesbian whores they are, or will they fornicate instead with Remus and Sirius? Where was Peter going in the Great Hall? Stay tuned to find out!
C’est un détraqué mental! – He’s a crazy stalker!
Est-ce que c’est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir? – Is that a baguette in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá! – Golly, what a big tent you have!
Va bouffer ta merde! – Eat shit!
Merci! S’il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux?! – Thank you! Please! Where is the window? Where can we buy a gimp mask?!