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7th Year Train Ride

Okay, yes, it HAS been a while, but..

7th Year Train Ride

Needles/Spork

Okay, yes, it HAS been a while, but..

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snape!rape

We've been working on it a LOT, and we recruited some new sporkers as well!
So, sporking with me are: [info]

x_racheelia_x , [info]rubber_glove , [info]xxoh_yeah , and [info]oreoclouds029 .

Original sporking HERE, Story HERE.



CHAPTER THREE
Disclaimer: I don’t opwn Harry Potter sue!fics LIKE WOAH OMGGGGGGGGG SOMEONE USE EMMA!HERMIONE’S SHAGFEST!TIMETURNER TO GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL ME BEFORE I WRITE THISSSSSSSSSSS HOMG JAMES POTTER IS TEH LOVE.

The next morning Lily looked at her schedule and yawned because she and James had been shagging all night and she didn’t get a wink of sleep: Potions, Transfiguration, Herbology and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Woot. She loved saying ‘woot’. It was an every day thing. Oh yes.
Jacks smiled ‘oooooh Lils! We have Transfiguration together!’
Lily sighed and several first years fell over dead; her breath was terrible!, and so another year began because Lily and James had not only shagged all night, they’d shagged until midnight of December 31, when they decided they should probably stop, one by one her friends vowed to change their schedules so that they’d have the same classes. All that they wanted was to copy off her, Lily shagged James some more ighed and leaned back against her chair. This had gone on too long. She bit into her toast. “I’M TIRED OF BEING ANOREXIC,” she cried valiantly. “IN FACT, FUCK IT. I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE LILY EVANS!” and with that, she ran to a nearby broom closet and let the real Lily Evans out. They all lived happily ever after. Hooray!
Ah, if only.

Lily walked by herself to potions because she was tired of having so much sexual tension with James, considering what exactly she had in mind for this year (other than shagging James round the clock, of course). She had started it off wanting just to do amazing in bed school and find a career (Preferably a porn star.) Then she turned into a COMPLETE slut for, like, a night, because, apparently, being a whore only lasts one night and the secret never gets out. And, being slutty, makes your friends want to be you. Oh, yes, it works. Now she just didn’t know what she wanted.
The answer: Because 42. The Question: Lily didn’t even know. Neither, apparently, did the suethor, because that last sentence made no sense and made us all spork our eyes out.
Lily looked at each of the desks for her name: Lillian Evans, yay. She was just SO excited about the new system of arranged seating. Also about her newfound first and last names. Now instead of being boring old canon!Lily Evans, she got to be sue!Lillian Evans Yay. Heck yes, byotch.
Lily sat down and took out her books, preparing to learn, well, some sort of new sexual position, she guessed. The teacher entered the room naked so he could show them the correct positions and set up his sex!station in front of the chalkboard. Whoever was supposed to sit beside Lily, she couldn’t read their name tag, so she decided they shall be named ‘Whoever,’ still wasn’t here because evidently they had got lost in the confusing time warp world of past and present tenses yet.
James Potter sat two seats in front of Lily, she watched him for a second, copying notes, paying close attention to his sexual positions. He must’ve been up to something. She guessed she needed to up her Capslockeria meds, because she was feeling very paranoid. She also needed to study the real Lily Evans more. She felt she was becoming more sue!Lily and soon the whole world would know she was a fraud. That is, if they weren’t sues, too.
Lily sat in the common room-it was third and she was supposed to be at Herbology but she was allergic to education which was why poor Lily was destined to a life as a prostitute - but bad Lily didn’t go to all her classes. She felt this scared sort of weird twist in her stomach though she was probably going to give birth to yet another illegitimate child, like this wasn’t what she wanted to do. She wished she knew what she did want.
As she was sitting there, contemplating whether to be this new, bad, skaunk Lily, or whether to be the old, uptight Lily a voice broke her thoughts. “Hey Flower, cutting class now to have wild animalistic sex?”
Lily turned to see James standing there in a pink sparkly thong. She supposed it didn’t matter to decide now. She knew her thoughts were wrong anyway. The real Lily wasn’t uptight. Sue!Lily, however, wanted to rape James. She decided to play it cool. “What do you want, you sexy sex god?”
He smiled, “I just want to have a wild animal sex fivesome with you and my marauder!bitches, but I suppose we can talk, how was your summer?”
Lily frowned, should she be new Lily or old Lily…she decided on something in between-a non-skank who was open to new people and new things, preferably high-quality crack, and illegitimate sex!children. Lily smiled. Oh, she really was delusional. “It was good, I went to a concert and had hot sex with the lead singer, got high on Tylenol, and walked around London completely starkers looking for my best friend so we could have hot lesbian sex.
James smirked “Yeah? That’s cool, particularly the walking around London naked bit. Wish I’d been there, you sex kitten. Rawr,” he said, licking her. He seemed confused that she was talking to him because normally it was just mindless shagging and army helmets. Lily smiled “And what about you?”
”Well,” he said, “I actually found the real Lily and James, gagged and bound in a gutter. Like my mind.” He grinned. “What should we do with them? I don’t want us to get found out; that could be a bit messy.”
“Ooh, right,” sue!Lily said. “Hmm, we could.. I dunno, we could always hide them under my bed and make them cringe and scream, “That’s not canon! Stop it, you horny devils!” as we shag like rabbits,” she suggested.
“Good idea!” sue!James said.
But before either of them could carry this out, the real Lily and James managed to untie themselves. Pulling some quick karate moves on sue!Lily and sue!James, they tied them up and took them to the sue!home, which housed EMMA!Hermione, who used her timeturner for the purpose of a shag-fest, wherethehellishe!Peter, manwhore!Sirius, hyperactivepuppydog!Sirius, and annoying!OC’s. They were so bad ass. The sues were jealous.
They all would have lived happily ever after, had there not been a mass breakout from the sue!home. Suddenly, plank!fics began popping up everywhere, featuring sues no one, not even in their worst nightmares, could have imagined.
Sue!James and sue!Lily kidnapped canon!Lily and canon!James and took identities again.
Three days later Lily was happy with herself. She was going to a party with Friend-Jacks (all six of them) and talking to everyone now. She was completely and utterly excited, probably because she had just taken a huge amount of high quality crack about this new her.
Sitting in the library Lily felt slightly compelled to cry suddenly--unfortunately all that crack was beginning to wear off, and her crack!illegitimate!child had no sex, and she didn’t know why. Looking around her she saw all these people, random people, whop, because ‘whop’ is totally a word, were totally sure of who they were as opposed to Lily who totally wasn’t sure if she was a potted plant or aerosol deodorant, or if she just totally liked to say “totally” way too much. Totally. One had long blonde hair so, Lily stopped to snog her because everyone knows she has a thing for blondes. If only James were a blonde. Maybe sue!James is. Sue!Lily like. No wait, movie!James was blonde. Excellent. Lily ran to the bathroom and burst into tears because the long blonde hair had turned out to belong to Peter Pettigrew who was going through some sexuality problems.
DELUSIONAL PLANK NOTE:
A/N: Okay, sooo…uh, yeah, it’s been awhile, but r&r!

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