Lily Chews Out Fangirls!
I love this communtiy. I also love Lily Evans. However, there are so many terrible stories about her, that I've completely given up on finding good Marauder fics. But I was very bored, so I started thinking about how amusing it would be if Lily were to write to the fangirls.
Here is the result. Enjoy! If no one is amused, I at least managed to amuse myself :)
Warning: There are a just a few Book 7 spoilers, so DO NOT READ if you don't want to know.
Dearest, Darling Fangirls,
Greetings! My name is Lily Evans, or as many of you like to call me, the “ravishing redhead with sparkling emerald orbs.” To be frank, I hardly think I need to introduce myself, as you darlings seem to find butchering every aspect of my personality highly amusing. Honestly, how hard is it to a) actually open a book and read, b) stick to canon-established facts, and c) read the interviews about my characterization which J.K Rowling has so humbly provided? Honestly, I know that stupidity is an increasing trend in this generation, but some of the stories staring my friends and I go beyond disturbing. Anyways, the whole point of this letter is to set a few things straight about me, once and for all. Anyone who does not follow these guidelines from now line will suffer most unpleasant consequences. So, without further ado…
1) Let us talk about appearance. Yes, a part of me feels flattered that so many are under the impression that my beauty could rival Helen of Troy, but after the eighty trillionth story which makes me “utterly ravishing, with curves in all the right places” gets a bit old. Yes, I was quite pretty, but in a realistic fashion. I certainly did not make the Great Hall go quiet, as they were so in awe of my beauty, nor did James Potter faint when he first saw me. My looks were most likely acquired over time, as were James Potter’s feelings for me, as anyone who read Book 7 should know. To conclude, if you want to say I am “pleasing”, then all is fine and dandy. If you even want to comment on my green eyes, then go ahead, but please, for the love of God, limit it to a sentence. I do not need paragraph after paragraph commenting on my perfect female form. I despise arrogance and flattery of any kind, after all.
2) Which idiotic fangirl, more than likely on a Mountain Dew/Pixie Stick high, decided that I was the biggest (there is no nice way to put this) slut to ever enter Hogwarts? On the other enter, which one decided that every boy fell at my feet drooling/wanted to “do me” on sight? If anyone knows, please tell me immediately. That said, let me set it straight. I was the early Hermione Granger. I was incredibly brilliant, studious, and couldn’t care less about social garbage. Jo has established this herself. Most of the boys were also afraid of me, as I had quite the temper. I would look for the best in everyone, but was also a friend of misfits. I was far from some sort of popular snob who snogged every boy on sight. I did not have a magical time-turner to enter Abercrombie and Fitch and Sephora either. Being the sensible girl, I wore the school uniform. What a novel concept!
3) On the other side of the coin, I am not emo, nor did I have Aboosive!Parents. My parents constantly told me how proud they were. Petunia was the one who was insanely jealous, but that was only because she wanted my life all along. Plus, I am a far too sensible girl to cut myself 500,000 times, while listening to Evanescence and “dying inside.” Emo didn’t even exist in the 1970s, let alone in the magical world. I highly suggest you open history books before writing another story. Oh, and stop with the Makeoveruglygirl!fics. Those make me want to projectile vomit. While these stories are horribly written, they also encourage false ideas of beauty. We already have Seventeen magazines for that. Besides, I have said before that I am sensible girl. I would never allow giggling twits to haul me off to nonexistent Claire’s Accessories and God-knows-where else.
4) Ah, the Marauders. Who knows basic math? This is a very easy question, and the one who answers it correctly will get a cookie! How many Marauders were there? If you said three, then I will send a bat-bogey hex on you. Yes my loves, there were actually four. I know this is a shock to so many, but there were. I understand. Peter did end up being an incredible rat bastard. He sold us to Voldemort, and all was not happy. But there was a time that Peter was our friend. One of our best friends, as a matter of fact. I’m not denying that he was cowardly and a follower, but he could also be brave and surprisingly intelligent, as he actually did manage to become an Animagus. I don’t appreciate fics where Peter is absent entirely, or has the IQ of a rock. You know, the ones where he simply sits in the corner eating sandwiches and occasionally making inane statements such as “I like badgers.” Believe it or not, but there are some fond memories with Wormtail. Therefore, if you want to write a Marauder story, then include Peter as well. It would make him so very happy, as he does hate being left behind.
5) On the same vein, I was never, ever a part of a “rival group” to the Marauders. Are you all so stupid that you think I would actually name my friends something along the lines of “The Marauderettes” (that sounds like a bad band from the 1950s), “The Vixens”, or “The Ice Queens?” No, no, and definitely no! The Marauders were arrogant berks, but they were perfectly unique. I would also never have friends named “Jade”, “Serenity”, “Moonflower”, etc. How many best friends do I have anyways? Again, I slightly flattered that I would seen as so popular, but having 500,000,000 Jades, Serenities, and Moonflowers would get quite tiring.
6) I was not obsessive over my hatred of James Potter. I did despise him until seventh year, but I did have friends, schoolwork, and other life forms to contemplate besides him. I would be sarcastic and occasionally violent if he crossed me or my friends, but I did not spend 99.9% of my time screeching about how much I “BLOODY HATE JAMES POTTER AND ALL HIS STUPID LITTLE FRIENDS!” If I did that all the time, I probably would have been hauled of to St. Mungo’s to be evaluated for insanity, and also would have been friendless. I do blame the fifth book slightly, as suddenly I went from being the honorary Marauder and James’ “one twu wuv” to a dreadful brat with anger management problems. So, the same rules apply. If you want to write your impressions of who I was, start the first chapter with me either a) being sarcastic to the Marauders if provoked, b) studying obsessively and practicing potions, or c) something completely different! Starting a story with me screaming and throwing random objects however, is getting very, very, very old. Also, for love of Merlin, please cut out the 7thyear!InstantLove!fics. It makes no sense. The same applies to the “Lily and James become head boy and girl and then find their twu feelings.” Just no.
7) I did not have a relationship with Severus Snape. He had feelings for me. I may have had them very, very early on, but he was nothing more than my childhood playmate and best friend until 5th year. When he called me “Mudblood”, I made myself very clear. I chose my side. So, the sudden explosions of “love child” and “Lily has an affair and teh hottt sexx with Sevi” stories make no sense. Again, read the bloody books and interviews.
8) To summarize: If you truly want to honor my memory, then read the interviews and refer to Hermione Granger. After all, smart, geeky, slightly misunderstood girls can also be fun to write! In my opinion, we have too many characters who are “teh HOttness”, so let’s be different. Please, please, be different. I’m all for imagination, but not bastardization.
Lots of Love,
Lily Evans Potter.
(Note the sarcasm in “love”)