More Chewing Out of Fangirls!
The other night, my friend and I were poking through the dark depths of ff.net in order to find stories to mock. It was there that we came across an out-of-canon Aboosive!James fic so disturbing, that I decided to write a letter from dear Prongs, to the fangirls. Here is the result. Hope you all enjoy!
Oh, and sorry about the random below post. My computer was having a seizure :)
Dear Fangirls and Fanboys,
Well hello there! It’s me, James Potter. You know the one who many of you claim to be madly in love with, and therefore enjoy butchering my charming personality! Honestly, what is it with you people believing that I have odd affinity to dear Padfoot, or even worse, my archenemy Snivellus? All I can say is that we have loads to learn today, as I set all of you straight. Ah, learning…something you silly children do far too little of.
1) Okay. Try and picture me, your dear old Prongs, being abusive. No really. Don’t just halfheartedly envision, but think of my qualities. Cocky, perhaps, even irritating! However, I’m also incredibly loyal, humorous, and intelligent. Where on earth does abusive with a taste for alcohol factor in? It just doesn’t fit! I would never get my kicks out of slapping Lily, and all of you are disturbed for thinking I do. Yes, I did torture Snivellus at times, but that was simply because he was a little oddball Death Eater. Around the ones I loved however, I was a perfectly charming and affable person. After all, it took me six years to win Lily over. She took me because I had reformed, so do you honestly think she, of all people would stand for “Aboosive” behavior? Please use logic. I know it’s there somewhere.
2) Furthermore, I never “saved” Lily from anything. She did not write dark poetry and then decide to throw herself off the astronomy tower before I rushed in, complete with a heroic fanfare. Lily was very capable of taking care of herselfand didn’t go very much for the “knight in shining armor” act. If I staged any such scene, or tried to force her into dating, she probably would have hexed me. Sensible girl, that Lily.
3) While I could be cocky, and slightly spoiled, I was not Draco Malfoy. For starters, my family despised the Dark Arts. Therefore, I am offended when I find interpretations of me as a spoiled rich brat with a fondness for kicking house elves. I had much more good than this. Thanks to the lovely Miss Evans, I did acquire some humility as well. On the contrary, the Malfoy’s never saw the errors of their ways. The Marauders on the other hand, were about fun and general mayhem, not performing the Cruciatus Curse for kicks.
4) I will not deny that my little gang of friends was popular, but I didn’t realize that we were all “teh sexxx gods of Hogwartz!” (Except for Peter, who just eats sandwiches for some odd reason) Honestly, how many Quidditch toned muscles can one have? With the exception of Padfoot, the rest of us were simply…average. Shocking, I know, but true. Make us believable appearance-wise please. Trust me, our ego’s don’t need anymore boosts. Also, we were too busy becoming Animagi and plaguing our fellow students to really be with a different girl every night. After all, I only cared about one anyways…
5) What the bloody hell are an Abercrombie and Fitch? I am not “preppy and poppy”, whatever that means. Why would I want to wear layered shirts and pre-ripped jeans? It sounds hideous. No, I like wizard robes, and when not in uniform, jeans and a sweater will more than suffice.
6) Sirius and I are actually quite clever, as you would know if you actually digested what you read. Sometimes I swear that your brains are completely gone, and have been place with dead flies and bits of fluff. Anyways, we like to believe that we were the smartest in our year, witty, and suave. It pains us to see that we are interpreted as mature two year olds. We have never run about, screeching random words, let alone call each other insipid nicknames while giggling madly. I have never been “Jamsie” or “Prongsie”, and I would smack whoever dared to call me this. Also, Sirius would like to inform you all that he is rather tired of being either “Siri” or “Paddy.” So don’t insult our intelligence, and we shall be much happier. Make us amusingly witty, but also calm. After all, whoever found giddily hyper people appealing?
7) Snivellus. Mortal enemies is not kinky foreplay code for “let’s do it in the broom closet.” Enough said. Please stop. It makes me ill. However, I also must say that while Sirius was quite good looking, he was nothing more than my best friend. Let’s keep it this way.
8) I believe that’s everything. Oh, and I was not obsessive over pursuing Lily. I did want to date her very much, but stop with the stories where I keep chunks of her hair under my pillow. That is just weird.
9) Stick to canon. Or better yet, just go away. Please?
Love from Prongs and the Marauders
P.S: Include Peter. He cries when he gets left behind…