Totally Hawt Potter Love - Chapter four
Disclaimer and Author’s note: All names that you recognize belong to J.K Rowling. Their personalities, however, belong to all of those lovely Planks out there who can’t write for shit. I don’t think I need to state that this is a parody any longer, so sit back, relax, undo your top buttons, stick you hands in your pants (if you’re parody’d or even canon James) and enjoy!
In the last chapter… The door clicked shut behind them, and James realized that a) they were locked in and b) he was in Lily’s body, so now he was the one with a figure like Jessica Alba’s, but better.
“We’re not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!” came Sirius’s muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like ‘stalactite’ in agreement, and then they left without making a sound at all. How James knew they left was unimportant, but he knew they had nonetheless.
Chapter four –Teh Switch!
James stood up and banged on the wall/door.
“Let us out, you bastards!” he shouted, but was immediately stung by a blow from Lily, (Hard. In the face!) who, if you remember correctly, was in James’s body. Therefore, the force of the blow nearly knocked James unconscious, as, if you remember even more correctly, he had the best Quidditch-toned muscles and face in the history of all histories, magical and otherwise. That made him considerably strong.
“I don’t use bad language, you fucking wanker!” Lily screamed (James winced, screaming was so unmanly). “Ever. At all. I never have. And woe betide you if you dare let it fall from my lips!”
A quick recap from earlier in the evening…
“I don’t use bad language, you fucking wanker!”
Back to real time…
“I’m sorry, but I was very frustrated and I needed an outlet for my anger that served to both make me feel better and harm nobody,” James stuck his/her tongue out at Lily, inwardly thanking his lucky stars that he never missed an episode of Dr. Phil. “I want you to get excited about your life!”
“I mean, eh, what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know!” Lily was beginning to panic. Hard. In the face! “I mean, we obviously can’t tell anyone that we’ve switched.”
“There’s no way we can tell our friends!” James agreed. “They might make some helpful suggestions or even know a way to reverse our body switch.”
“And why would we want that?!” Lily agreed.
“And we can’t go to a teacher; they’d all definitely know how to solve the problem.”
“Too risky,” said Lily, shaking James’s head. “Our best bet is to wait until we’ve either fallen madly in love and made out, even though it’s really weird to kiss yourself-”
“You’ve never seen me at the mirror,” James mumbled.
“Or,” Lily continued. “Come to have a mutual respect for each other, which will inevitably lead to us being in love anyway.”
“I thought we were already in love?”
“We were, until we made out with each other at the Yule Ball. That was a huge violation of trust.”
“Oh yeah,” James scratched Lily’s head. “This is all really confusing. How are we doing?” He looked over at canon! Lily and James for guidance, but they had snuck out to have canon sex in their canon house while their canon friends didn’t partake in homosexual lovemaking, explode with hyperactivity or disappear for no reason. In fact, the canon friends of canon!Lily and James were trying to figure out the best way to fire non!canon Lily, James, Remus, Sirius and Peter out of an actual canon. Hard. In the face!
“I guess we’re on our own, then,” said Lily.
“Wait, wait,” said James. “The Yule Ball! The Triwizard Tournament! How are you going to compete as me?”
“Never mind that!” cried Lily. “I think I’m due my period!”
“Double, triple damn! Don’t periods give you STDs?” said James.
“OMG, DO THEY?!” Lily shrieked, freaked out.
“I suppose we’ll have to contend with all the usual problems, then?” said James, trying to cheer her up. “Menstruation, going to the bathroom, hanging out with our friends, convincing everyone that we’re each other…”
“Not to mention the fact that the Beaubaxtons Champion is a boy this year and he is most definitely going to ask me out as soon as we get out of here, so you’ll have to go on the date for me and it will be really awkward.”
“And not to mention the Quidditch you’ll have to play.”
“But isn’t Quidditch cancelled during the Triwizard Tournament?”
“But this is a Plank fic, love. I never actually compete in the tournament. It exists purely for the Yule Ball, and for the aforementioned hot Beaubaxtons bloke who’ll ask you out. So Quidditch is definitely on the agenda.”
“No!” Lily protested. “I’m conveniently terrified of heights! Heights give you STDs!”
“It’s ok, I’ll teach you how to fly and we’ll have our first romantic moment on my broom.”
“Does it have to be on your broom?”
“It’s either that or while we’re dancing in the rain, and I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, but rain gives you STDs,” said James. “Now how are we going to get out of this room?”
“Well, considering that there’s a key to the door over there, there are seventeen windows and five ladders right here, and we both have our wands, I would think that the solution is obvious.”
“We’re going to have to kiss, aren’t we?”
They kissed softly (because everyone knows that ladders and keys and windows give you STDs). Even though they were essentially kissing themselves, it was kinda hot. James figured that it was because he himself was so damn fine, and Lily was just pleased that she got to kiss someone who actually used Chap Stick. Immediately after they kissed, the door sprang open and they were freed.
“So what do we do now?” said Lily.
“Well. We should go to our dorms and get cleaned up.” He paused. “Can I have a shower as you, or is that not cool?”
“Of course you can have a shower as me,” Lily began slowly. “If I say that you cannot, that would imply that you are physically unable, which is not true. However, you may not have a shower as me.”
“Have you been listening to those Grammar Girl podcasts again?” questioned James, trying to send out a subtle hint to Planks everywhere.
“Actually no, I read that in a Babysitter’s Club book.”
“Ohmegee!” James squeaked. “Stacey McGill was like, soooo my favourite! Battling bravely through her diabetes and still managing to be so stylish!” he wiped a tear from his eye. “What a girl she was.”
“Oh I agree, but Claudia will always be my favourite,” Lily sighed. “She was so awesome, hiding her Nancy Drew books everywhere and doing all that arty stuff. I always wanted to be like her.”
“I prefer Kristy to Claudia, even though I always pronounce her name without the ‘r’. She always has such good ideas!”
“Kristy’s Krushers rule!” said Lily, pumping a fist into the air. Hard. In the face!
“For example,” James said slyly. “Kristy would have thought that showering was a good idea.”
“Exactly!” Lily cried. James grinned. He had managed to outsmart her. It wasn’t hard.
“Right,” he said. “I’ll go shower. And because this is a fic, we won’t look at each others bodies at all.”
“That’s a given,” said Lily. “I’ll meet you back here in twenty. And don’t talk to STUPIDBITCH or GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT! They’ll figure out that I’m you in a second. They’ve been my best friends for practically the whole evening, so they know me inside out.”
They parted ways.
Meanwhile, in the girl’s dorm…
STUPIDBITCH was worried.
Her new best friend Lily Evans had been gone for a whole half hour and nobody knew where she was. She seemed to have disappeared from the earth, which was most inconvenient as STUPIDBITCH needed to borrow a condom from her in order to partake in hot, sweaty lovemaking with Sirius Black. After searching the entire school, STUPIDBITCH retired to the dorm where she began to panic slightly. STUPIDBITCH and Lily had a best friend connection that ran so deep that STUPIDBITCH could trace her smell, much like a sniffer dog. Lily’s scent had stopped somewhere on the third floor corridor and STUPIDBITCH had discovered nothing further.
The door to the dorm opened and STUPIDBITCH jumped hopefully up from behind Lily’s bed, where she was still searching for Lily.
“Agh!” cried GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who was, in case you’re stupid, the person who entered the dorm. “You scared me! What are you doing behind Lily’s bed?”
“I was seeing if I could pick up any trails from Lily’s underwear. You know, using my amazing sense of smell.”
“Must you always brag about that?” GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT replied. “It’s not like that’s anything special, unlike my powers. “I can roll my tongue.”
“I can touch my nose with my tongue,” STUPIDBITCH reminded her.
“I have long, shocking purple hair that’s actually my natural colour, and eyes that are a dark, inky blue, like shiny sapphires,” said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT.
“I have equally long, golden blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes like bruised stars,” STUPIDBITCH spat back.
“I have a 12 inch waist!”
“That’s because you wear a corset,” spat STUPIDBITCH. “My waist is that small all by itself!”
“I have bulimia!”
“I have anorexia!”
“I’m having sex with Remus Lupin tonight!”
“I’m having sex with Sirius Black tonight!”
“I’m Dumbledore’s favourite student!”
“I’m Dumbledore’s daughter and sister!”
“I can fly without a broomstick-”
“I can move things with my mind,” put in STUPIDBITCH.
“I have psychic powers, and the dead communicate with me.”
“I can tell the future!”
“Well I can heal people by touching them.”
“I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once!”
“I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once for BOTH TEAMS!”
“I can bring the dead back to life by peeing on them!” STUPIDBITCH cried.
“I can KILL people by peeing on them!” GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT roared.
“Yeah?” said STUPIDBITCH, ready to deal her the killer blow. “Well I have a 10% discount at Abercrombie!”
GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT’s shoulders slumped. STUPIDBITCH always used that to win their arguments. It was something with which she just could not compete. “You’re right, you are much better than me.”
“It’s ok,” said STUPIDBITCH, patting her shoulder sweetly. “You know you can’t compete with a blonde chick, unless you happen to be into reading EMO!Lily fics. We’re still BFFs and all that.”
GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT beamed. Hard. In the face! “You’re such a great friend, STUPIDBITCH, almost as great as Lily.”
“Oh, heavens! Nobody is better than Lily. She’s perfection in itself. Curse those emerald orbs!”
“Aye, those orbs haunt my dreams,” GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT sighed, putting on a Scottish accent for unknown reasons.
“Speaking of Lily, have you seen her?”
“I need to borrow a condom from her so I can bonk Siripoo.”
There was a deadly silence, broken by GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT’s burst of laughter.
“You silly girl!” she cried. “Don’t use one! A condom, honestly! Didn’t you know that they give you STDs?!”
“Oh yeah!” STUPIDBITCH slapped her forehead. “How could I have forgotten? I’m such a stupid bitch.”
“You are not a stupid bitch, STUPIDBITCH, and I’ll kill anyone who says you are!”
“Oh, GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, you truly are a friend indeed.” STUPIDBITCH grabbed her friend’s arm and they frolicked their way back down to the ball.
And thus, STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT were happy again. No one cared.
Meanwhile, in a bathroom somewhere...
James took all of Lily’s clothes off immediately upon reaching the bathroom, felt every part that he could and stared at his reflection for an hour. He almost wished that he had his penis back so that he could wank like crazy, but alas, he didn’t. He was sure that Lily was enjoying it, though.
Meanwhile, in another bathroom somewhere…
As much as she loved dick, James’s dick in particular, Lily cried because she hated having a penis. I guess that’s women for you!
Meanwhile, back in that first bathroom…
Eventually, James finished showering and perving over his now curvy and Jessica Alba-ish (but better) body. After everything was nice and dry, he decided to go to Lily’s dorm and have a look around. He went into the dorm and made his way to Lily’s underwear drawer. Upon opening it, he found a Nancy Drew book under a pair of socks.
“That’s odd,” he said, but then remembered that Lily had once aspired to be Claudia Kishi from The Babysitters Club and shrugged it off. It was, he realized, a lot easier to listen to and remember what Lily said to him when he was unable to stare at her breasts as she talked. He decided to have a look in Lily’s school bag and see if she had scribbled his name on any of her books. However, he soon realized that all of Lily’s textbooks were, in fact, Nancy Drew books with different covers stuck on. Perturbed, he lay down on the bed but jumped back up when his head hit something rather solid. He looked at the object; it was an oddly lumpy pillow. He shook out the pillowcase and six more Nancy Drew books tumbled out onto the floor.
It was only then that James realized that the entire bed was made from Nancy Drew books. Even the bed sheets were made from pages sewn tightly together.
He let out a huge scream. Because everyone knows that Nancy Drew books give you STDs!
Meanwhile, back in the boy’s dorm…
Eventually, Lily managed to dry her tears and went into the boy’s dorms to have a look around. Before she could have a look around, there was a knock on the door, a knock that handily provides the author with an excuse not to write any descriptive passages. Hurrah!
Lily walked over to the door and opened it slowly, so as to set a nice, suspense filled mood. She gasped at what she saw.
The most beautiful girl Lily had ever seen was standing on the threshold. She had long, soft, silky, scrumptious, sexy, and stunning blue black hair that was both curly and straight at the same time. Her eyes were huge, and made from actual moonstones. Her figure was like Jessica Simpson’s was when she lost all that weight for that really bad movie, The Dukes of Hazzard (The Dukes of Hazzard gives you STDs!), and her smile lit up the room. Literally, she was holding a torch between her teeth. All in all, her exquisite beauty was overwhelming, equal to Lily’s exquisite beauty, even.
Lily was about to ask her who she was, but before she could, the girl dropped the bag she was holding, beamed joyously, and threw her arms around Lily’s neck. Again, Lily did not look like Lily. She looked like James. As she was in his body. Are we clear?
“Jamesie!” the mysterious and absolutely stunning girl cried lovingly. “I’ve missed you so much!”
Can you believe it, another cliffy! Who is this mysterious beauty who has come to see James, and will she steal his heart from Lily? Speaking of James, will the Nancy Drew books infect him? Does Remus have a pension plan? Will Sirius unknowingly father STUPIDBITCH’s child? Where was Peter going in the Great Hall? Who’s going to win cycle eight of