Totally Hawt Potter Love
Author’s note and disclaimer: This is a parody. If anyone dares to think that I would ever write this tosh and call it serious fiction, they’re barking. Please do enjoy, and be kind enough to review at the end because I really adore getting reviews. I’ve included some subtle references to English serial killers, Adrian Mole and The Sims 2, see if you can spot them. Any bad grammar and spelling is deliberate. Ta ta!
The names of these characters belong to J.K Rowling, but the characters themselves do not. As if Rowling would ever write somebody as stupid as the pitiful cast of character I’ve written here.
Chapter one - Teh Wangst
Once upon a time, there was a young witch named Lily Evans who was a seventh year Gryffindor student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily was a feisty, intelligent, caring, witty and sensible girl who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair was the colour of blood, her eyes were like giant emerald orbs, her skin was as white as the purest snow and she had a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Jessica Alba’s but better. She got outstanding marks in every single exam or assignment and had many amazing talents.
You might think that life for Lily Evans was just peachy, but alas, she had Aboosive! Parents, and was actually in the depths of deep, deep, deepest despair. Her mother was a prostitute/Avon lady named Rosemary who believed she was Princess Diana and her father was a drunkard named Fred who beat her every day with helium filled balloons. Lily also had a sister named Petunia who was treated like a queen by their parents and threw Lily’s much loved Sesame Street lunchbox under a bus one day. It was a depressing family situation, to be sure.
As with most girls in pickles like this, Lily thought that the best way to deal with her pain and emotional scarring was to wear a straggly, mousy brown wig, large spectacles and brown contacts lenses, and to stuff cushions up her clothing in order to hide her beauty. In Lily’s mind, it was her beauty that was the cause of all her heartache, not her parents’ drug and alcohol problems or her sister’s jealousy of Lily’s magical powers. She also threw herself into her studies and had no friends ever, even when she moved to Hogwarts from the Salem witches school in New York City and miraculously procured a British accent out of nowhere (Yes, she was just that smart).
So one morning, Lily was shuffling down the hallways and crying to herself because she’d cut her arms open fifty times earlier and nobody had noticed, when she saw the most sexiest and most popular boys in school, the Marauders. The Marauders comprised of three seventh year Gryffindors, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter. There used to be another Marauder named Peter Pettigrew, but he vanished one day and nobody bothered to look for him. The end.
Remus Lupin owned the most sexiest and most popular books in school. He read all day long, often bumping into walls, other students and toilet cisterns. In fact, he only ever stopped reading to eat chocolate. Everything else he did, which included making comments that weren’t intelligent but were assumed to be because he included a lot of long words in them, was done whilst reading. He was super smart and did really well in school. But! Remus was a werewolf (gasp). This made him freakishly strong, slightly evil when full moon was coming up and horny all the time.
Sirius Black was one of those giddy, irritating and freakishly happy guys that most girls cannot stand, but that didn’t stop him from bedding every girl (apart from the ugly ones like Lily, of course) in school, including McGonagall. Sirius was extra sexy, you see, even though he constantly acted like a hyperactive two year old. He liked sugary foods, shaking his sexy hair a lot, and having sex with Remus, his OTL. He had the most sexiest and most popular everything on earth.
James Potter was Lily’s secret love, and had the most sexiest and most popular Quidditch toned muscles in the history of the world. He was the only person on earth who was allowed to wear glasses in this fic and still be teh sex and he liked to sleep with lots of girls. However, he was a real sensitive guy inside who was just looking for that special someone. His special someone would be a feisty, intelligent, caring, witty and sensible girl who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair would the colour of blood, her eyes would be like giant emerald orbs, her skin would be as white as the purest snow and she would have to have a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Jessica Alba’s but better. So far, he’d never met a girl like that.
Anyhoo, the Marauders were walking down the corridor and James bumped into Lily. Nobody ever saw her for some reason; even though she was a real, solid human being and the multitude of cushions she carried around made her look quite large.
“Watch it, girl I’ve never seen in my life even though I’ve been here for over six years!” shouted James, pushing her away. Lily cried softly, because her disguise stripped her of all confidence and she was dying inside. The Marauders walked off and down the corridor, laughing.
“I want to shag someone,” said James.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooh, pretty window. Woohoo! Here comes the airplane!” Sirius shouted, his voice somewhat obscured by the six lollipops he had in his mouth. “I mean, ahem, are you Sirius?”
“No, you are!”
Sirius roared laughing.
“Haha! Sirius, you and I, we’re so witty!” James replied. “Yes, I want to shag someone. Hang on, what’s an airplane?”
“Commonwealth. The inarticulate behavioural patterns of hypochondriacs the world over. Consequential,” said Remus, not looking up from his book. James and Sirius were bowled over by his brilliance. Recovering himself, Sirius tipped an entire pound of sugar into his mouth and looked at James, his BFF.
“Who do you want to shag? Ooh hoo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” asked Sirius.
“Dunno, someone random?”
“Why do you want to fornicate with a random person when you could be studying, pranking the school, sneaking down to the kitchens or reading about economical budgerigar pottery wheel emotives?” said Remus, turning a page. James shrugged. Sirius suddenly jumped about ten feet into the air and turned to him.
“How about a bet? Hehehehehehehehehehehe! If you can find an ugly, disgusting girl and convince her to get a makeover, become popular and have sex, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SAID SEX, with you in a day, I’ll give you a thousand Galleons because I have that kind of money lying around.”
“Huzzah! I’ll take that bet. What girl should I pick?”
“Statistical analysis and proportional representation,” said Remus.
“You’re right, Remus, this idea is cruel and horrible, but I’ll do it anyway,” said James. “Hey, I’ll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!” He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out.
Ooh! A cliffy! How will it end!? Will James shag Lily? Will Lily finally show her beauty? Will we ever understand what Remus is talking about? Will Sirius freak out when he runs out of sugar? Will Peter ever turn up again, and does anyone really care? Find out in the next thrilling installment!