Totally Hawt Potter Love - Part two
Author’s note and disclaimer. This is a parody, I repeat, a parody. And any name you recognize belongs to Rowling.
In the last chapter… “You’re right, Remus, this idea is cruel and horrible, but I’ll do it anyway,” said James. “Hey, I’ll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!” He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out.
Chapter two – Teh Sex!
James went to the library, where he found the ugly, boring fat chick from earlier. He ruffled up his sexy, jet-black hair and sat down beside her.
“Hello, unimportant and unsightly girl. How would you like to be beautiful and popular?”
Lily didn’t look up from her homework. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. James Potter was deigning to talk to her!
James Potter was her ideal man. Not only was he gorgeous and sexy, he was arrogant, disgusting, stupid and shallow, and he acted like a complete whore. There wasn’t even anything about him that hinted at there being a good, decent person under all of his faults. He was definitely her OTL! She would be mad to turn down the chance to be someone who James Potter considered beautiful and popular.
But also, the pain of her childhood prevented her from ever wanting to be happy at all because that makes perfect sense. She faltered.
“Answer me, repulsive girl! I promise that if you transform yourself into a skank, I’ll have painful, meaningless, awkward teenage sex with you.”
“I, I, I don’t know,” Lily whispered.
“Oh, go on. It’s a minute out of your life.”
“But, but I…”
“C’mon, baby, let’s see what’s behind those specs.” He made to take her glasses off but Lily squeaked and ran away, her stomach flipping at the thought of having sex with her OTL and her heart beating with fear. She wanted nothing more than to surrender herself to the burning fire of her passion for James, but if she did, he would see through her disguise and that would surely signal the end of mankind as we know it.
She reached the Prefects bathroom and decided to have a shower because the many emotions inside her made her feel dirty. She went inside and removed her wig, glasses, contacts and clothes. The scars from her earlier self-harming had vanished miraculously. She stood in the one spot, shaking out her long, crimson, cascading and sexy hair and looking every inch the goddess she was.
At that very moment, James went into the Prefects bathroom with his invisibility cloak on because that made perfect sense to him. He saw Lily and gasped. He was in love! He had to have her right now! Never mind that he’d never seen her before and she could have lots of STDs, when one is in love, these things cease to matter!
Pulling his cloak off, he strode towards her and grabbed her wrist.
“What is your name, you beautiful thing?”
“L-L-Lily,” she stammered.
“I love you, Lily.”
“I love you too!” Lily cried. All of a sudden, her previous pain was gone and she was ready to be the Lily she always was underneath. Also, she decided to be a slut too. She and James had perfect sex multiple times and were both super adept at it.
Afterwards, James had to run off and get ready for the ball that was being held later that night because there was a Triwizard tournament going on (James was the Hogwarts champion) and thus, a Yule Ball was being held, even though it was only September 27th. (Dumbledore had written the wrong date on his calendar, the old rascal!) Before he did, he gave Lily his cell phone number and msn address and she typed it into her Blackberry. Then he left. Lily put her disguise back on and got ready for the Yule Ball too, right there in the bathroom. It was a masked ball, but she figured that she was already wearing a MASK OF ANGST!(™), so she didn’t bother with a proper one.
At the ball, Lily was sitting sadly by a table when a guy wearing a stag mask came over. It was James, still wanting to carry out his bet, but she didn’t know that because she had no brain.
“You are beautiful, I love you,” he said. Lily was shocked! Nobody had ever found her disguise beautiful before, and she instantly fell in love with this masked stranger. But she also loved James, so she was confused. Shaking it off, she decided to dance with this boy. They danced together for ages, until he brought her outside to the starlit grounds. They made out and it was super hot. Then he took off his mask and revealed his perfect, Quidditch-toned face.
“I promise, you revolting specimen of womanhood, that if you get a makeover I’ll love you forever and take your virginity right now.”
“YOU!!” Lily cried. “James!? You, but…JAMES??! I didn’t know it was you! How could you do this to me!?” She slapped him. Hard. In the face! “I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!”
“Pardon?” said James. Lily waved her wand and her disguise fell away. Instead of the vast, purple, gold and lime green dress she had been wearing, she was now clad in a gown of emerald silk. Her red hair flowed like a waterfall and her emerald orbs glowed like freshly polished silver, except they were emerald and not silver.
“I thought you said you loved me earlier, but you were about to have sex with another girl!”
“Well you said you loved me, but you were just making out with another bloke!”
“You cheating slimeball!” Lily screamed.
“You adulterous bitch!” James shouted.
They then fell into each others arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students. Lily pulled away and slapped him again. Hard. In the face!
“What was that for?!” James shouted.
“I don’t know!’ Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling up her eyes as she did so.
OMG, another cliffy! Did anyone see that coming? How will it end? Will James bruise from all the hard slaps? In the face? Will Lily ever get over her childhood of pain? Has Sirius run out of sugar? Can you handle the suspense?!